Well I did it- GRE test here I come

It's 4:13 am on New Years Day 2018 and I can't sleep. I take the GRE General Exam on Tuesday, January 16, 2018, 12:30 p.m. at the Taylorsville Testing Center. I remember feeling queasy when I signed up online and hit the pay button. I thought to myself, 'This is the real deal." I'm going to take the dreaded GRE Exam. Since that moment, I've been numb in mind and heart as this date is only 15 more days away and I'm nowhere near ready. My husband and I got home earlier this morning from a New Year's celebration with my brother, Lloyd's family. I've been studying for the GRE with the Magoosh online prep program and after sinking $205 dollars to register for this exam my stress is going through the roof. The GRE is no longer just a test I'll take in the near future. I can't breathe, and there's a knot in my stomach that is anticipating failure. But my reflections of events that led up to this moment just won't allow this spirit of fear to consume me. All my life I felt that I had something to offer this world. Yet, this year I'll be 60 years old. And after a serious review of my family genealogy, I figured I had a good 25-30 mortal years left. What am I going to do with all that time? I've spent 20 years in education and found my passion. As much as I enjoyed the students, I loved the parents that came through my door. It was my love for parents and their needs that kept me in education. I experienced their heartaches, their sense of hopelessness and frustration with their errant children. But I also understood their lack of faith and distrust in an education system that seemed to fail their children. Often I believed that their place in education always seemed so illusive. Yet despite the challenges, at the end of each year I also shared in their joy when their children overcame significant life obstacles. In education we tout parents as a being a primary stakeholder, yet, my experience quickly taught me that while parents are acknowledged as the missing link in education, they were also the link that was the most difficult to develop. School policies were lean when it came to parents and how they can shift and shape education. It is in this area of education that I wanted to make a difference. I believe educators have worked tirelessly with the best interest of our students in mind. But, there is a disconnect between education and parents. I wanted to be part of strengthening the link of parent stakeholders that would lead to a firm bond to the rest of the stakeholders in education. A district director recently asked me what I wanted to do for the rest of my tenure since my career was coming to an end. I shared with her my desire to return to grad school to resume my doctoral pursuit. After a great conversation, she surprised me by saying, "In all the years I've known you, I've never seen you so passionate about anything until now." It was encouraging for me to hear her comments. Of course, passing the GRE with a relatively high score is really important. While struggling with a temporary bout of poor self confidence, I sought for solace in 2 Timothy 1:7, "For God hath not given us the spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." And in Proverbs 3:5-6, "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths." As I considered my own personal worth and my dreams of a worldwide contribution, these passages provided clarity and raised my confidence that I could do all things through the grace of God and His will. Although I've battle with the spirit of fear for so many years, I can no longer remain in obscurity and fear of failure. In my deepest reflection with God, I found myself reaching deep inside my soul for hope and faith that what I seek would come to fruition. However, I must work diligently and never forsake this journey of sacrifice, pain, and discipline if I am to fulfill my purpose.

I admit..I'm an ABD

As an ABD, "All But Dissertation," I admit, I felt like a failure. Who wouldn't? Especially when I spent 8 eight years, off and on, as a doctoral student, spent tons of money and didn't get the gold. Now note, I used the term "felt" because I have grown since this emotional sense of devalue. And I've come to my senses that all is not lost, I just had to regroup, gain more experience, meet the right influences, define my purpose, and then find the energy to start over again. But the mere thought of starting over is KILLING me! Inhaling and exhaling deeply came to my rescue as I planned my next move. I met with Dr. Laurence Parker at the University of Utah in October 2017, thinking that I should just find out the possibilities of returning to grad school. He was incredibly kind and personal! Comprehending that he remembered me and my circumstances was very heart warming was an understatement. But this is what I gathered! I can return to school but I would have to go through the process of admissions again. Because I changed my status from a PhD to an EdD, I could continue with the EdD program under the new program parameters. But I learned during my journey of enlightenment that I had to pursue a Ph.D. again. So here I am at an important roadblock. I have to take the dreaded GRE exam and start the admissions process all over again. But Dr. Parker did say that I could work with my chair to customize my entire program, since I complete all of my coursework. That was extremely appealing to me. So, here I go! What did I just agree to..? Excited and nervous at the same time, because, as you know I'm not a spring chicken anymore I decided to take the dive at the end of the pool. Gotta love living on the edge, eh?!

Celebrating a Saint

There are moments in life when we pause and think about the life of another.  In my crazy busy life, I try to make room for reflection about the influence of others whether it be for good or bad.  Preferrably good, and in this case, it is for good,

So, Bro. Poloa is dying and is receiving hospice care until his last day on earth.  When I learned that his days were numbered, these images of his life crossing mine became vivid.  When my boys were playing high school football, I met his son who was about the same age.  In my prideful moment as a mother, I couldn't accept that Poloa's son, Orlando could possibly be better than my boys.  But what this man taught me was how possible it was to celebrate my sons in their football all the while still experiencing his own celebration of his beloved son.  So when I met Bro. Poloa at a football game, my first impression was how nice this man was to me.  His voice was very soft and you could see that he was a humble man.  And then I went on my merry way.  My sons and his became friends and my husband had the utmost respect for this young man's talents and always had great things to say about him, all the while, I was learning lessons from him about humility and graciousness.  Indeed, I experienced his Christlike influence that for him was a way of life.  This was evident in his very actions and words he spoke every so quietly.

Enter Mycal, my youngest who was blessed with the talent to sing. While he was on his mission, my husband said, there was a store in Sandy or Midvale somewhere that Bro. Poloa and his wife owned.  He wanted to go to the store and buy something in support of his business.  When we drove, up to the store, I was really happy to see the success of his store.  When we entered the building, Bro. Poloa had a big smile on his face and was very cordial to us.  He showed us around the store and we chatted. Then he introduced us to his daughter, Crystal, who he was obviously very proud of and we had a chance to visit with both of them.  Crystal was so kind in singing Mycal's praises and was very happy to consider working with him.  She had such a great music resume and yet she saw my son has someone who had potential.  As we were talking, I just saw the love Bro. Poloa had for his daughter and you could see that he was so very proud of her accomplishments.  Yet, even he was eager to have his daughter share her talent with our son.  I walked away thinking was a great man he is and that I hope his business would be successful.

There was much to say about the blessings this man had by way of his ability to start businesses and his desire to do well in order to  provide for his family.  He was in the military and after retiring, he used his finances to fulfil his dreams of service through building up his business. My husband and were always so impressed by him.  Then, we had the blessing going to the same LDS ward with this gentle man.

It never failed, Bro Poloa, in our ward was the best example of Christlike love for his fellow man.  Each time I saw him, he made a point to greet and my family with a huge smile and the best handshake that communicated his love for us. Yet, again and again, he always asked about my children and worried about their well-being and their success in life.  He was always willing to give all that he had and the talents of his family was always made available to us. There was a time when together we worked on the "Do You Know My Name Fireside" in January 2013.

He was so excited to do this fireside because of his temple work.  His love for genealogy was evident when he gave me his family histories that we were blessed to add this this memorable fireside.  I think what I loved the most was his desire to serve the Lord in all things.  We were so used to seeing him in the temple whenever we took in a session.  But now that he is sick and preparing to return to his Father in Heaven, we do not see him any longer.  So it is with a bittersweet memories that we have of his essence in the temple, knowing that we will no longer see him in the flesh.

So our family says goodbye to a righteous man.  Thank you for all your wonderful examples we have seen.  My family's life has been greatly blessed.  Althought the touches have been small, they have been greatly received, and mightily remembered by us.  Both my husband and I we say farewell to a gentle giant in the gospel.  We say farewell to a man who spoke mightly of his testimony on Fast Sundays.  We say farewell to a spiritual giant who left his mark on an entire ward and entire generation. So until we meet again. Love the Alo family.

It's 2 o'clock in the morning

Yet, another day I find myself wide awake at 2 o'clock in the morning.  I don't know why!  But I am.  So I have always wanted to write a book but never knew what about.  But more and more often I find myself thinking about writing for the sake of writing.  I don't love to keep journals because it takes forever to write about every little detail about some incident or event.  

But here I am writing to myself again! I don't even want to invite anyone to read my blog. But I do have things to say. At least I do this morning.  And I do want my grandchildren to know me and about my life.  Already I have written pages of journals and taken lots of pictures, but I have no idea where they are so what was the point?  As it is right now, I believe that the confirmation of my existence rests on the very ability to write about myself, my thoughts, my life and about those things that I believe are important at the time. 

So for the record,  My name is Dottie Henrietta Togisala Alo.  I am 56 years old.  I have 5 children, several grandchildren, and still married to the same man I met 36 years ago. I will try to upload pictures and tell stories so this blog can be interesting.  But I ain't gonna guarantee that I will be consistent.  

So here goes....